1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,151 caption by sogo http://www.friends6.com http://forum.friends6.com 1 00:00:04,001 --> 00:00:11,151 What is it about "Smallville" that brings out both the teenage girl and the lecherous old man in me? 2 00:00:11,151 --> 00:00:14,623 It's the writing. 3 00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:18,995 So how's living with your mother? Think you'll do a Christmas card together? 4 00:00:18,995 --> 00:00:23,226 Maybe you guys and a couple of schnauzers? 5 00:00:23,226 --> 00:00:25,381 Don't remind me. I spend every minute with her. 6 00:00:25,381 --> 00:00:33,342 Museums, shopping, hair appointments. In the last seven days we've had eight dinners together. Don't ask me how. 7 00:00:33,342 --> 00:00:34,333 Where is she now? 8 00:00:34,333 --> 00:00:36,613 Well, we had an early dinner. I sent her off to see Gypsy. 9 00:00:36,613 --> 00:00:44,927 We'll probably get a quick bite later on. Oh, now I see how that works. 10 00:00:44,927 --> 00:00:47,793 Hmm, interesting. "Smallville" night. 11 00:00:47,793 --> 00:00:57,126 Oh, I used to be a part of that back in the day. Don't have time for it anymore. Why? 12 00:00:57,126 --> 00:01:00,480 Got one-liner in an off-broadway play. 13 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:05,135 Who are you playing? A guy that smokes an imaginary cigarette? 14 00:01:05,135 --> 00:01:16,585 Maybe. Maybe I should talk it over with James Earl Jones. 15 00:01:16,585 --> 00:01:18,166 He's starring opposite me. 16 00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:31,142 Opposite you, or across the street from you? 17 00:01:31,142 --> 00:01:38,719 Here, drink this. 18 00:01:38,719 --> 00:01:40,942 Don't mind me, I'm not even here. 19 00:01:40,942 --> 00:01:49,135 Hello, boys. Grace, you must have a very understanding husband. 20 00:01:49,135 --> 00:01:51,586 I am going to take a long tub. 21 00:01:51,586 --> 00:01:56,003 But before I do, does anybody have to make? 22 00:01:56,003 --> 00:02:00,877 -Will?- I'm good. 23 00:02:00,877 --> 00:02:06,209 I hate when she talks to me like a child. "Does anybody have to make?" 24 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:25,988 Oh, shoot, now I do have to make... 25 00:02:25,988 --> 00:02:27,765 Honey, I am so proud of you. 26 00:02:27,765 --> 00:02:31,161 -Acting in a play with James Earl Jones. -I know. 27 00:02:31,161 --> 00:02:38,390 One of the greatest large black actors of our time. 28 00:02:38,390 --> 00:02:40,122 How did you do it? 29 00:02:40,122 --> 00:02:42,890 Well, you know, Karen, it's such a crazy story. 30 00:02:42,890 --> 00:02:48,363 There was an open call. I tried out, and I got it. 31 00:02:48,363 --> 00:02:51,344 I didn't even know you could get parts that way. 32 00:02:51,344 --> 00:02:56,768 Good morning, fellow actors! Ahh, the smell of an off-broadway theater. 33 00:02:56,768 --> 00:03:00,255 It's always worse than you remember. 34 00:03:00,255 --> 00:03:06,931 Mr. Earl Jones. I'm Jack McFarland. 35 00:03:06,931 --> 00:03:13,839 I just wanna say what an honor it is to be working with you. The theater is, well, it's my life, you know. 36 00:03:13,839 --> 00:03:18,119 I live it, I breathe it, I fondle it till it falls asleep. 37 00:03:18,119 --> 00:03:26,554 But more importantly, I respect it. By the way, do you know what play we're doing? 38 00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:32,865 -The Iceman Cometh. - Cometh. 39 00:03:32,865 --> 00:03:37,014 -Cometh. -You are outrageous, James Earl Jones! 40 00:03:37,014 --> 00:03:40,934 Filthy and outrageous. 41 00:03:40,934 --> 00:03:45,452 Would it be forward if I asked you to lift me above your head? 42 00:03:45,452 --> 00:03:50,016 -I'm sorry, I hurt my back doing that for Kevin Costner. -Ah ha. Yes. 43 00:03:50,016 --> 00:04:00,753 Mr. Jones, I only have one line, but I was thinking of saying it a few times in different accents. Thoughts? 44 00:04:00,753 --> 00:04:08,098 Jack, as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter if you have one line, or 437 like me. You and I are the same. 45 00:04:08,098 --> 00:04:15,338 Yes, I have two Tonys and most recognizable voice on the planet... Otherwise, you and I are the same. 46 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:27,198 You know, I've always thought that. But to hear you say it... Wow. 47 00:04:27,198 --> 00:04:31,692 What are you doing here? You're married. You should be at home getting fat. 48 00:04:31,692 --> 00:04:36,405 I know, right. But ever since Leo's been home, he's just had a lot of extra energy. 49 00:04:36,405 --> 00:04:42,985 He wants to do it like twice a week. Together. 50 00:04:42,985 --> 00:04:44,819 So I've gotta tone up. 51 00:04:44,819 --> 00:04:51,904 What kind of shape do you have to be in to just lay there? 52 00:04:51,904 --> 00:04:57,759 Good shape. Anyway, I started with a trainer last week. 53 00:04:57,759 --> 00:05:01,844 You're paying for a trainer? 54 00:05:01,844 --> 00:05:03,631 Is that so hard to believe? 55 00:05:03,631 --> 00:05:09,161 Kind of, you tried to have a cavity filled at a street fair. 56 00:05:09,161 --> 00:05:18,070 U-hu-hu-hu-huh. That's cute. Did you think that up while you were living with your mother? 57 00:05:18,070 --> 00:05:22,789 Could you not bring up mother, please? The gym is the one time of day I have to myself. 58 00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:27,870 Okay. Just so you know, that was a little Norman Bates-ish. Oh, okay, I gotta go. 59 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,324 There's my trainer. 60 00:05:29,324 --> 00:05:31,554 What? That guy over there? He looks like he's already training that woman. 61 00:05:31,554 --> 00:05:33,358 Yeah, I train with them. 62 00:05:33,358 --> 00:05:38,840 Oh, I see. And do they know that? 63 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:49,570 Look, why should I pay good money when I could just as well follow these guys around and do the same exercises for free. 64 00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:52,810 Because it's cheap and unseemly. 65 00:05:52,810 --> 00:06:00,043 And yet, I still don't live with my mother. 66 00:06:00,043 --> 00:06:02,058 How many more sets you have? 67 00:06:02,058 --> 00:06:04,945 Oh, I'm just getting started. You wanna work in? 68 00:06:04,945 --> 00:06:06,702 Thanks. I'm Andrew. 69 00:06:06,702 --> 00:06:08,388 Will Truman. 70 00:06:08,388 --> 00:06:11,306 So, Will Truman, you here alone? 71 00:06:11,306 --> 00:06:19,589 Will Truman, your mother is at the front desk. 72 00:06:19,589 --> 00:06:21,786 Yes, yes, I am. 73 00:06:21,786 --> 00:06:24,729 -Didn't they just page you? - Nope, no. I-I don't think so. 74 00:06:24,729 --> 00:06:28,731 Will Truman, please meet your mother at the front desk. Will Truman! 75 00:06:28,731 --> 00:06:34,057 Will, dear, are you here? 76 00:06:34,057 --> 00:06:37,101 I'm just a man who's scared of life and even more scared of dying. 77 00:06:37,101 --> 00:06:49,472 So I'm staying drunk and hanging on to life at any price, and what of it-- 78 00:06:49,472 --> 00:07:10,007 And you know what real peace means, because you won't be scared of life or death anymore. You simply won't give a damn. 79 00:07:10,007 --> 00:07:13,075 You're a liar. 80 00:07:13,075 --> 00:07:18,638 Okay, okay, okay. We're gonna have to stop. There's only one person that's acting on this stage. 81 00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:20,606 And that's Jack McFarland. 82 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,221 Him? 83 00:07:22,221 --> 00:07:24,554 James, you're not giving me anything. 84 00:07:24,554 --> 00:07:29,682 Well, I have two friends that might disagree with you, Tony and Tony. 85 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:33,125 Would you like to meet them? They're in my dressing room. 86 00:07:33,125 --> 00:07:42,676 I've also had two Tonys. Also in his dressing room. 87 00:07:42,676 --> 00:07:45,919 Who is this guy you're playing? It's called acting, James. 88 00:07:45,919 --> 00:07:49,511 Let's see some. Take five, everyone. 89 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:56,513 Like I need this crap at my age. I've got Darth Vader money! 90 00:07:56,513 --> 00:08:06,198 "It's called acting, James." How 'bout some directing, Gordon? 91 00:08:06,198 --> 00:08:07,388 You okay, honey? 92 00:08:07,388 --> 00:08:14,172 What? You think all that bothered me? I'm fine. 93 00:08:14,172 --> 00:08:18,262 If you say so. 94 00:08:18,262 --> 00:08:19,764 What? 95 00:08:19,764 --> 00:08:24,831 Well, uh, can we get real for a second, honey. 96 00:08:24,831 --> 00:08:36,716 You are a big, gorgeous man with a dazzling smile and large sausage-like fingers. 97 00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:45,690 You don't need to act. Which brings me to my point. You can't. 98 00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:49,917 What? You gonna make me bring up my Tonys? 99 00:08:49,917 --> 00:08:59,118 Ugh, enough with those bowling trophies! Honey, that's an award they invented to keep gay men off the streets for a night. 100 00:08:59,118 --> 00:09:04,731 Let's face it, honey. You stink. 101 00:09:04,731 --> 00:09:10,458 Now, you haven't done anything good since "This is CNN." 102 00:09:10,458 --> 00:09:17,629 But what about-- Look I-- I was Mufasa. 103 00:09:17,629 --> 00:09:26,209 Mufasa? Honey, more like Boofasa. Yeah. It's bad. 104 00:09:26,209 --> 00:09:30,476 You know, you're right. You've finally said out loud what I've always feared. 105 00:09:30,476 --> 00:09:32,132 I'm a fraud. 106 00:09:32,132 --> 00:09:41,309 There you go, honey. Whew, it's out. Now you can let it go. You know, I hear they're hiring at Lady Foot Locker. 107 00:09:41,309 --> 00:09:47,208 If I could only be more like that Jack, the way he breathes so much life into one line. 108 00:09:47,208 --> 00:09:49,708 Well... you can't compare yourself to Jack McFarland. 109 00:09:49,708 --> 00:09:54,530 After all, he is one of the foremost acting teachers in this city. 110 00:09:54,530 --> 00:10:02,475 -He's a teacher? -Well-- - You think I can get into his class? 111 00:10:02,475 --> 00:10:07,666 Eesh, I don't know, honey. It's like a hundred bucks a month. 112 00:10:07,666 --> 00:10:12,268 But that's exactly what I need. I haven't been to a class since Lee Strasberg. 113 00:10:12,268 --> 00:10:16,264 I sat between Marlon Brando and Shelley Winters. 114 00:10:16,264 --> 00:10:23,023 Honey, no offense, but how did that bench not break? 115 00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:29,863 Who said it didn't? 116 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:32,389 -Hey, Will, right? -Yeah. 117 00:10:32,389 --> 00:10:34,602 Are you here alone, or are you here with your mom again? 118 00:10:34,602 --> 00:10:39,479 -My mom? Please... -Oh, there you are, Will. 119 00:10:39,479 --> 00:10:45,552 I'm borrowing your flip-flops for the shower. 120 00:10:45,552 --> 00:11:00,553 I'm with my mom. 121 00:11:00,553 --> 00:11:05,868 Come on, I don't even need this muscle for sex. 122 00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:10,171 -What? -What? I didn't say anything. 123 00:11:10,171 --> 00:11:12,997 My mother was here. Again! Third time this week! 124 00:11:12,997 --> 00:11:16,904 The only person that goes out in public with their mother more is Kevin Spacey. 125 00:11:16,130 --> 00:11:23,375 She hugged me and said it felt like Christmas came early this year. 126 00:11:16,904 --> 00:11:18,602 Tell her it's time to go home. 127 00:11:18,602 --> 00:11:16,130 I can't. You should've seen her when we were shammying off the mini-blinds. 128 00:11:23,375 --> 00:11:25,088 Well, you know, you're gonna have to be honest with her.It's the only way. 129 00:11:25,088 --> 00:11:31,381 Oh, nice advice, coming from the first woman to steal exercise. 130 00:11:31,381 --> 00:11:33,913 Okay, let's take a break. 131 00:11:33,913 --> 00:11:36,879 -Ooh, it's about time. -What? -Why do you keep "whating" me? 132 00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:40,214 And your shorts are up your butt. 133 00:11:40,214 --> 00:11:44,336 Oh, Grace. Grace, Grace. I-I have a little problem. 134 00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:47,792 Can I talk to you about it? You know, girl to girl. 135 00:11:47,792 --> 00:11:53,899 Um, heh-heh, well, wouldn't you rather do that with Will? 136 00:11:53,899 --> 00:11:59,022 I don't like that kind of joke. And besides, Will is the problem. 137 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,628 What do you mean? 138 00:12:00,628 --> 00:12:04,109 I am dying to get out of there. He's driving me crazy. 139 00:12:04,109 --> 00:12:06,873 Always including me in his plans. 140 00:12:06,873 --> 00:12:14,604 I swear to God, if I have to get up at 5 A.M. to go to one more flower mart! 141 00:12:14,604 --> 00:12:19,628 Well, you should just tell him that you're ready to leave. I'm sure he'll be fine with it. Beyond fine. 142 00:12:19,628 --> 00:12:24,993 I'm not like you, Grace. I just can't say anything that pops into my head. And, 143 00:12:24,993 --> 00:12:30,453 besides, he is so much happier and regular since I've arrived. 144 00:12:30,453 --> 00:12:32,161 It would devastate him. 145 00:12:32,161 --> 00:12:36,040 Mom, come on, or we won't get to spin next to each other. 146 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:44,949 Coming, son. 147 00:12:44,949 --> 00:12:48,046 Hello, everyone. Welcome back to class. 148 00:12:48,046 --> 00:12:52,645 Now, remember, we are guests of the owners of this theater here today. 149 00:12:52,645 --> 00:12:58,137 So if you see any of the owners, hide. 150 00:12:58,137 --> 00:13:11,274 Now, we have a very special friend joining us today. He is an acting legend, known for such memorable roles as... 151 00:13:11,274 --> 00:13:19,241 Oh, get out of town! You did a "Lois and Clark?" Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Earl Jones of TV's "Lois and Clark." Make some noise. 152 00:13:19,241 --> 00:13:20,286 Thank you 153 00:13:20,286 --> 00:13:23,239 Now... Let's just jump right into it. Jiminy, what do you got? 154 00:13:23,239 --> 00:13:25,423 I did prepare a monologue from King Lear. 155 00:13:25,423 --> 00:13:33,780 Ooh, tough. Who would you like to do this monologue with? 156 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:36,805 Uh... just me. 157 00:13:36,805 --> 00:13:40,711 Uh, all right, it's a little unorthodox, but, hey, I give you points for moxie. 158 00:13:40,711 --> 00:13:44,715 Let's do it. Yeah, let's see. 159 00:13:44,715 --> 00:13:46,982 Action, please. 160 00:13:46,982 --> 00:13:50,261 Blow winds! Crack your-- 161 00:13:50,261 --> 00:13:55,791 Whoo! And stop! Stop. Okay. 162 00:13:55,791 --> 00:14:03,670 Let's start with the voice. It's fine for a lesbian, but you're a man. You want to-- You wanna be up here real high in your head voice. 163 00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:10,401 -Not down here. But real high up here, okay, La la la. -La la la. -La la la la. -La la la la. 164 00:14:10,401 --> 00:14:18,018 A little more nasal. Nasal, like, lady. 165 00:14:18,018 --> 00:14:20,835 Lady! 166 00:14:20,835 --> 00:14:25,138 Good! It's all part of lightening up, James. 167 00:14:25,138 --> 00:14:33,104 We gotta lose the James Earl Jones, and find the James Girl Jones. 168 00:14:33,104 --> 00:14:37,476 Now. We're gonna do a scene from "Sex and the City." 169 00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:39,040 Joanne, would you like to help us? 170 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:44,454 Great! I'm still on a high from my Monostat 7 callback. 171 00:14:44,454 --> 00:14:46,580 Mr. Jones, may I just say I am such a-- 172 00:14:46,580 --> 00:14:52,432 Stop gushing, Joanne, you're a commercial actress. 173 00:14:52,432 --> 00:15:00,039 Okay. And you're walking with purses. And action. 174 00:15:00,039 --> 00:15:03,651 Oh, Samantha, I'm so nervous. 175 00:15:03,651 --> 00:15:09,473 James, James. Uh, did you get mugged? Where's your purse? 176 00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:16,058 Oh, Samantha, I'm so nervous. Big is in town, and I don't know what to do. 177 00:15:16,058 --> 00:15:19,822 You don't what to do, or you don't know who to do? 178 00:15:19,822 --> 00:15:26,457 Oh, Samantha, you're so terrible. But those Jimmy Choos are to die for. 179 00:15:26,457 --> 00:15:37,398 -James, the voice, okay, Jimmy Choos. -Jimmy Choos. -Jimmy Ch-- Up here. -Jimmy Choos. 180 00:15:37,398 --> 00:15:39,879 That's better, excellent, better. Russell, take your shirt off. 181 00:15:39,879 --> 00:15:45,732 -Why? -Cause we got a lot of work to do. 182 00:15:45,732 --> 00:15:51,070 - Honey, cover up. I can see you. - Oh! 183 00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:55,174 Will, can I talk to you for a second? 184 00:15:55,174 --> 00:16:00,021 -What's up? - Great news. Your mom's sick of you, and wants to leave. 185 00:16:00,021 --> 00:16:02,490 - She does? - Yeah. Isn't that great? 186 00:16:02,490 --> 00:16:06,007 No, it's not great. I'm her son. 187 00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:10,056 Mommy! Are you sick of me? 188 00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,996 Of course not. Where did you get such a crazy idea? 189 00:16:12,996 --> 00:16:15,374 Grace said you said. 190 00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:17,404 I said no such thing. 191 00:16:17,404 --> 00:16:19,806 Yes, you did. You did. And you said you're sick of her. 192 00:16:19,806 --> 00:16:27,061 I did not! Would I handwash the stockings of a woman I'm sick of? 193 00:16:27,061 --> 00:16:32,639 Grace, what's wrong with you? You seem to enjoy causing trouble. 194 00:16:32,639 --> 00:16:36,676 Oy, goyim... 195 00:16:36,676 --> 00:16:38,822 Well, I don't know what that was all about. 196 00:16:38,822 --> 00:16:43,592 Me either. Oh, I hear they're gonna have gerbera daisies at the flower mart tomorrow. We should get up early. 197 00:16:43,592 --> 00:16:44,753 Darling, I'm sick of you. 198 00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:46,423 I'm sick of you too. 199 00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:48,054 I really can't wait to leave. 200 00:16:48,054 --> 00:16:55,832 I mean, if I have to watch one more documentary about an alternative family and pretend to be moved I'm going to jump out the window! 201 00:16:55,832 --> 00:17:00,460 And if you call my doorman oriental one more time, I'm going to have to find a new building. 202 00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:01,727 Can I go home tomorrow? 203 00:17:01,727 --> 00:17:05,646 Tomorrow? Why not tonight? 204 00:17:05,646 --> 00:17:12,652 Oh. 205 00:17:12,652 --> 00:17:16,683 Excuse me. Are you working out with us? 206 00:17:16,683 --> 00:17:21,751 No. I don't even know you, Josh. 207 00:17:21,751 --> 00:17:22,957 Then how did you know his name was Josh? 208 00:17:22,957 --> 00:17:26,546 Oh, shut up, Carol. 209 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,022 You know, I don't do this for free. 210 00:17:28,022 --> 00:17:35,016 Oh, I'm shaking. What are you gonna do? Send me to exercise jail? 211 00:17:35,016 --> 00:17:39,769 And P.S., You're not even worth it. I haven't noticed any changes in my body. If anything, my ass has gotten bigger. 212 00:17:39,769 --> 00:17:50,153 That's because this work out is designed to make Carol's butt larger and her chest smaller. 213 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:55,736 Oh, dear God. 214 00:17:55,736 --> 00:18:01,462 What have I done? 215 00:18:01,462 --> 00:18:10,547 -Honey, this is so exciting. In five minutes, that curtain is going to go up. And you're going to make your big debut! -I know... 216 00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:11,810 Anyway, I should get home. 217 00:18:11,810 --> 00:18:19,262 -Wait! Karen, I need your support. I'm really worried about James Earl Jones. -Ugh! 218 00:18:19,262 --> 00:18:26,727 He has made no progress at all. A week in my class, and his hair looks exactly the same. 219 00:18:26,727 --> 00:18:31,090 Have a good show, Jack. 220 00:18:31,090 --> 00:18:33,827 He can't even do that. 221 00:18:33,827 --> 00:18:43,214 Oh, honey, this isn't one of those shows where everyone wears a hat? 222 00:18:43,214 --> 00:18:45,547 James, you were amazing tonight, amazing! 223 00:18:45,547 --> 00:18:53,808 I know. I already called my family. It was only five cents a minute. 224 00:18:53,808 --> 00:18:59,375 Mr. Jones. Hi. I'm a friend of Jack's, and I just wanted to tell you, that you were brilliant. 225 00:18:59,375 --> 00:19:09,406 That's very kind of you. But no, I will not record your outgoing message. 226 00:19:09,406 --> 00:19:17,183 Hey, J-Jo. Nice work out there. Listen, uh... could I ride on your shoulders for a few minutes? 227 00:19:17,183 --> 00:19:22,016 Oh, all right. I'll go change into my Juicy Couture sweats and meet you in front of Sardi's. 228 00:19:22,016 --> 00:19:25,001 Ha ha! 229 00:19:25,001 --> 00:19:28,181 Jack. I got to thank you. 230 00:19:28,181 --> 00:19:35,511 That week in your class really helped me. Got me back to basics. You got me to the place where I knew nothing about acting. 231 00:19:35,511 --> 00:19:39,496 Because you know nothing about acting. 232 00:19:39,496 --> 00:19:46,888 Well, you're welcome. So, I'll see you tomorrow in class. We'll be doing selections from L'Oréal commercials, okay, so bring a wig. 233 00:19:46,888 --> 00:19:49,831 Actually, you won't. I'm leaving your class. 234 00:19:49,831 --> 00:19:52,544 Oh. Okay. So I'll see you here tomorrow night at the play. 235 00:19:52,544 --> 00:20:01,555 Actually, you won't. I had you fired. You're a lovely person, Jack, but I'd rather share the stage with a dashboard bobblehead. 236 00:20:01,555 --> 00:20:07,899 So, in future, let's all remember the words of that great Dane, "the purpose of playing, 237 00:20:07,899 --> 00:20:17,644 was and is to hold, as it were, the mirror up to nature." 238 00:20:17,644 --> 596:31:23,647 Great Dane. Yeah, right. Like a dog can hold a mirror.